Christmas Humor

[El Pirata]

Here are a few I got today.

[El Pirata]

A few more

[JupezPB]

The reindeer and poisin ones were the best.

[Presto333]

rofl, hahahahaha, those r some good ones

[dynastySSS]

nice

[PakmanRevd]

I liked the poison one best

[PakmanRevd]

Rawr

[Crazy4Paintball1]

Those are some funny ones....lol that last one paki is kind of sick...yet extremley funny though

[El Pirata]

Pirates Christmas:

A Visit From Whitebeard

'Twas the night 'afore Christmas, and down below decks
All the prisoners was sleepin’ with chains 'round their necks
A mutineer was hung from the yardarm with care
So's all o' the others was sure to beware
The crew was all nestled below in their bunks
They slept just like babies, but smelled just like skunks

The mate with his cutlass, and me with me gun
Had just settled in for a long drink o' rum
When over the decks there arose such a clamor
I reached for me pistol, and pulled back the hammer
Away to the porthole I flew in a wink
I opened it wide, and I threw up me drink

The moon to the west was the probable source
Of the naggin' suspicion that we was off course
When what to me matey's one eye should appear
But eight flyin' goats and an old buccaneer
I went for me spyglass when first they appeared
And I knew in a minute it must be WHITEBEARD

More rapid than seagulls they flew toward me quarters
And he lashed them, and cursed them, and barked out these orders
"Now, Long John! Now, Silver! Now Dutchman and Flint
On Barnacle, and Bluster! On Cable, and Quint
To the top o' the mains'l, to the top o' the mast
Now cast off that line! No, not that one! OH, BLAST!"

As I pulled in me head and went back in the gloom
Down onto the deck Whitebeard hit with a BOOM
He was blackened with powder burns, head down to boot
And we hid 'neath me bunk as he searched for the loot
A rusty old cutlass that hung by his side
Made me feel very glad we’d decided to hide

His eye, how it festered! His features, how salty!
He tripped and he fell, 'cause his vision was faulty
His ratty white hair was tied back with a scarf
And the beard on his chin was so white you could barf
The stump of his knee was held up by a a peg
And how well I remembered...'twas I took his leg!

He had a long, jagged scar, and a stomach gigantic
That rolled when he walked like the northern Atlantic
He was ugly and fat, a right scurvy old elf
So I stayed where I was and threw up on me-self
For the look in his eye and the tilt of his head
Soon gave me to know that we soon might be dead

He spoke not a word, but went straight to the hold
And he stole all the silver, and bagged up the gold
And locking the treasure up inside a chest
Went back up the riggin' into the crow's nest
He boarded his craft, to his team gave a yell
And away they all flew just like bats out of Hell

But I heard him proclaim, like a ghost from afar
"I'll be back again next year...be ready! Har, har, harrrr!"

[PakmanRevd]

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good

boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,

BiLLy



Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in trash

disposal. How about I send you a f**king dictionary so you can

learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE
can spell!

P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!

Santa



Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa




Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy



Dear Teddy,

What, like your dad’s going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell you mom to lose some weight and I’ll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the mean time and let’s see if you can build up a family with those.

Santa



Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis



Dear Francis,

I’ll tell you what, I’ll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick some sense into your f**king head. Who names their kid “Francis” any ways? I’ll bet you’re gay. I’ll send you the Village People album instead.

Santa




Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I Left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love,

Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.

Santa



Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?

Your friend,

Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing ****tail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one sh*tty day a year, I send toys to all you little f**kers!

Santa



Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake,like in the song?

Love,

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I’m skipping your house.

Santa




Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy



Timmy,

That whiney, begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap don’t fly up here. You’re getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pet his head.

Santa




Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky



Mark,

First of all, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass beat at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Clinton Twp. Third, I can get inside your sh*t hole just like all the bo boo’s in town do. I will mail your mom some crack the week before christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for christmas.

Your friend,

Santa

[El Pirata]

A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces! all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[El Pirata]

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

[thog94]

Here are a few more...

[thog94]

...and a couple more...

[thog94]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.

SO, if Santa is late coming to your house, you can always blame it on women drivers, all 12 of them!

[El Pirata]

SO, if Santa is late coming to your house, you can always blame it on women drivers, all 12 of them!
1. Dasher
2. Dancer
3. Prancer
4. Vixen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Donder
8. Blitzen

9. Rudolf

Where'd the other 3 come from?

[thog94]

1. Dasher
2. Dancer
3. Prancer
4. Vixen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Donder
8. Blitzen

9. Rudolf

Where'd the other 3 come from?


I'll be damned if I know. I'll complain to the person that sent me the e-mail cause I just copied and pasted it...

[El Pirata]

Pirate Christmas Tree

[thog94]

A few more that just came in today...

[thog94]

Here are a couple more...

[p8ntbllr2001]

roflol ^^^^